It’s a very strange thing, to be simultaneously planning my own wedding and protesting for marriage equality rights. As we walk the path towards marriage, confronting tiny fears and expectations along the way, I am struck that yes, this does feel different. It’s not “the same” as living together, as signing Steve as my life insurance beneficiary, as the domestic partnership we’ve already built. Steve and I have been committed to building a life together for quite some time, but after announcing our intentions to marry, things shifted. Not so much in how we see our relationship, but in how we are seen. I’ve called Steve my partner for a long time, and probably will do so often after we’re married, but I’ve noticed that when I say fiance, it is heavier, it carries more weight and gives people a lens through which to view our relationship. And when I call him my husband, I imagine it will carry even more. Should it be this way? Probably not. But it just is.

This is what I thought about on Saturday when I looked around at the Proposition 8 protest. There were so many couples and beautiful families and I can’t imagine how anyone would want to deny them what Steve and I have been experiencing. I know the standard argument for the legalization of same-sex marriage is rights-based. That our country is great precisely because no minority may be legally discriminated against by the majority. This argument is difficult to refute, which is why I know that same-sex marriage will be legalized in my lifetime.

But it feels like the bare minimum. Marriage is about legal rights, but it is also about celebrating commitment, about community recognition and support of your relationship.  And everyone deserves that just as much as the right to visit their partner in the hospital.

More than once upon learning of my engagement, I’ve been told, “Welcome to the club!” It’s always seemed a little strange to me. I’ve thought of my marriage as between Steve and I, but I’m realizing more and more that a supportive community can make or break a relationship over the long-term. It’s about and between us, but it’s also about tradition, about following in the footsteps of many lovers before us. The least we can do is open the club to anyone who would like to join.

Edited to Add: This song. Because it is perfection and made me tear up when I heard it.

• November 20th, 2008
• musings, travels, with music
• Leave me love
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