Things I Want to Remember, Part I


Photograph by the amazing Clifford Brunk.

1. Steve, the night before the wedding – very, very nervous. Talking through why and he blurts out I just want everything to be perfect for you. I’m so scared I will forget something and ruin it! Assuring him that I won’t even notice as long as he’s waiting at the end of that aisle and we end up married. Midnight, sitting down at our kitchen table with big glasses of red wine – making lists so he’ll feel confident in remembering everything the next day. Watching his shoulders inch down. Curling into him as he slept and touching his face – smiling to myself that tomorrow he would finally be what he’s felt like for such a long time.

2. Seeing my bouquet for the first time on the morning of the wedding – vague ideas come to perfect fruition. Squeeing with delight – my mom beaming because she knows she did her job very, very well.

3. At the salon – Barb running in from getting her makeup done and saying Look! She gave me eyebrows! Pretty much the cutest thing ever. How lucky I am to be getting her as a mother-in-law.

4. Getting ready with the girls, butterscotch sun streaming through the windows and Sarah saying that she was loving the tradition of it all – that women have spent generations sequestering themselves before a wedding and preparing the bride. Breathless to have been born into/found such a community of women – how I couldn’t imagine anyone else with me in those moments.

5. The few quiet minutes tucked into a window seat, Morgan doing my eyes – my mind wandering, the sure rightness of her hands on my face, opening my eyes on command to see her face, hair haloed in light.

6. Adam, from down the stairs: I need a girl!
Sage: For what?
Adam: Not Sierra
Sage, heading down the stairs: It’s Sage, what do you need?
Adam: I don’t want Sierra to know I lost something!
Sage: Ummm…Sierra is right up there.
Me: Hi Adam!
Adam: Oh crap…everything’s fine! I’ve got it covered!
Me: No doubt!

7. The note Steve sent over to my room while we were getting ready, which included this line: “Now that we’re about to be legit, I thought you should have some legit jewelry.” Opening the box to see a gorgeous pearl necklace. It matches my earrings perfectly.

8. Remembering to brush my teeth right before putting on the dress, standing in the bathroom by myself, looking at myself in the mirror, toothpaste foam everywhere – feeling butterflies for the first time all week.

9. Sage, ready early of course – running in and out of the room, disappearing and reappearing with exactly what I didn’t even know I needed. Being so happy that she was thinking so that I didn’t have to.

10. Morgan’s head under my dress – the silent concentration as she attached all 13? 15? 17? points of my bustle. It feels like a meditation. Her palpable relief when it is done.

11. Hearing that everyone was almost down to the beach. Realizing that the frantic readying was dying down. A last look in the mirror. Short-lived butterflies disappearing completely. Everything feels right.

12. Open mouthed excitement, ready to charge down that long walk and do. this. thing. already. Walking like women on a mission. Hearing people say Congratulations! and Happy Wedding Day! as we reach the beach, but through a fog. Grinning at them. Just wanting to see Steve’s face.

13. Coming over the hill. They made an aisle of stones for me. Seeing Steve’s face.

14. Stopping at the end of the aisle, completely stunned to see so many people that I love, from so many areas of my life, ALL STARING AT ME. Feeling an overwhelming urge to acknowledge them. Waving and blurting out Hi Everyone!