Things I Want to Remember, Part II

Photo by Clifford Brunk

Photo by the absolutely amazing Cliff Brunk.

Part I here.

1. Steve kisses me when I get up to the Chuppah. When he pulls away his face is stricken and he mouths I don’t think I was supposed to do that. I shrug and grin at him.

2. Walking into our handmade Chuppah at the same time, hand-in-hand with a giant, determined step.

3. Seeing Sarah grinning at me. She doesn’t look nervous at all.

4. Seeing Steve grin at me. He looks more nervous than I think I’ve ever seen him.

5. While David does his short Tom Robbins reading to start off the Ceremony, Steve mouths to me YOU LOOK SO PRETTY.

6. I don’t see anything else. I know other people are there, but I see Steve and only Steve. The emotion on his face is overwhelming and I’m already feeling overwhelmed by this moment myself and by OMG this is actually happening, he’s about to be my husband and he squeezes my hands and beams at me and I think I’m going to cry and so I look at Sarah and she looks so relaxed and I feel calm again.

7. Hearing Morgan’s reading (The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer) – so raw and full of emotion. It feels like an invitation to the whole world and I am so present and buzzing that it feels like my skin has an electrical current.

8. Giving my dedication to Steve’s parents – how important and right it feels to thank them for their role in giving me this incredible man. Trying to look them in the eye without crying. Barely choking out the last line (I’m so proud to be entering into the loving family that you have built, though the truth is that you have been family for a very long time.) and running to give them a big group hug. We are family.

7. Hearing Garrett’s reading (Union by Robert Fulghum) and feeling that yes, this is our wedding - finally our wedding, but we have been wedding ourselves together for a long time.

7. Saying our vows (you can read them here). I try to really absorb each one as Sarah is saying it, so that when I say I do, I can really mean it. But then I realize that they are already a part of me – that I absorbed them all in the hours Steve and I spent talking about what we want our marriage to be based on, in reading others’ vows, nodding or shaking our heads, writing them and repeating them and distilling them down. They are already in my heart. They are already in his heart.

8. We have a long minute of silence to absorb the magnitude of the moment. Our eyes are closed and it is quiet and I hear the crashing of the waves and everything melts away. Steve squeezes my hands tightly and I lean forward and touch his forehead with mine. What passes through us feels charged and electric and sacred. Though we’ve written the words in later, this is the moment where I marry him.

9. Hearing our friends and family shout “I DO!” in promises to support us, encourage us and guide us always towards each other. Being blown away by the enthusiasm.

10. David struggling with the rings – looking very, very stressed out as he tries to untie them from the muslin. Isn’t sure which to hand to Sarah first. Panic! Hands them both. Looks very relieved when they are out of his hands.

11. Steve grabs the wrong hand, starts trying to put my ring on it. I try to gently remove it and give him my other hand. Everyone laughs. He blushes.

12. My ring is warm from being passed among so many people we love. It feels loved and worn in and like it’s always been there.

13. Finally losing it as I put the ring on his finger. I have memorized this part and I barely get through it without crying. (With this ring, with these words, and all the words of my heart, I choose you. Over and over again. I marry you and bind my life to yours). I still cannot say these words aloud without tearing up. I just tried.

14. After I finish, euphoria washes over me. I look at Steve and he is (still) grinning. I look at Sarah and she is grinning. I look out at the crowd and everyone is grinning. In my head is hurry up hurry up hurry up!

15. Sarah quotes W.H. Murray (Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness … the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too … Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.) and it occurs to me that yes, this is the riskiest thing I’ve ever done. The bravest and the wildest and the most sacred. That making a commitment this bold has caused something inside me to shift – almost imperceptibly – and it has settled in exactly the right spot with a long, contented sigh.

16. I now pronounce you Married under the laws of the state of California. You may kiss each other. And we do and we do and we do.